Would you girls mind praying for me? I have the day off school tomorrow, but I have to work from 3-10pm and then Saturday morning I have to be at a school that's like 45 minutes away..at 7:45..for the SATs.

I'm freaking out so bad.

The "Aloha" Church

We tried out a new church yesterday. Since we moved we haven't really found one, as the church we went to in Honolulu is over an hour away now. The one we attended yesterday we found by accident. We were trying to find the non-denominational church nearby but couldn't find it and ended up at First Baptist.

Right away everyone was huggy and kissy. I don't think I've had so many men kiss me in front of my husband before! (Ie, only two, but still. Kisses!) New people get leis, which is really cool to me, especially because they were yarn leis so they last just forever.

The service was good and the pastor was right on with everything that he said. The music could have been better, but I'm used to being a music-major groupie and a choir geek, so I'm picky about music.

After service there was a luncheon, and we hooked up with another military couple and an older couple who are visiting their military son. I posted something on my blog the other day, "you might be military if..." and one of the items on the list was "under 21 and married."

Almost every young couple on the island who is married is military. We're one of the last to have kids, though, which is pretty funny to be because back home you either have kids when you're 16 or 26 -- there isn't much in between. Here, and especially on base, everyone has kids right away. I think it has something to do with the fact that if your husband goes to war you want a child of his. I know I would.

After church we ran errands and came home to hang out before bed. It's still raining. I laugh at everyone who came here for spring break and thought it would be sunny. ;-) (Not really, I feel kinda' bad for them.)

hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

Ok. I'll put it plainly

-I'm PMSing to the point where all rationality is out the window.
-My grandfather had a stroke yesterday morning. He had a stroke this month last year and nearly died. This wasn't as bad, but it's still so scary and upsetting and just terrible.
-I'm being sexually harassed at work. Carlos will most likely be fired, but just after the day I had, the way he ended it was one hell of a finale, I must say.
-I have a book report due Monday on a book I've barely started.
-I've been either ignoring God, or it's been just so hard to pray that I stop trying.
-I considered driving head on into another car just to see what would happen.

tell me, where have you gone, my love?

well i finally figured out how to accept the blogger invite. :p

so. what's been new in my life. in between all the make-up work for my classes (i missed 6 days to go on a mission trip to mexico) and working my actual job, and attempting to get in shape, and trying to leave room for the activities i actually enjoy, i've been thinking about a certain boy.

i know that doesn't sound like much time to think about him, but surprisingly it has been.

i feel like a little kid again.

Honestly you think you finally have things together, and then you realize there's one thing, just one thing, you still wish you weren't lacking. It's ridiculous and selfish and junior high-ish. And I believe if I'm supposed to be with someone, things will work themselves out.

But that doesn't mean I can sit still and watch nothing happen.

I still have to fret about what night I should call him, or if I even SHOULD call him.

(i still fear never seeing him again.)

And we're driving through the middle of nowhere

I know why they say junior year is the best one. Just, my freshman and sophomore years were basically made of me "finding myself" and going through various groups of friends. Now, everything's just fallen into place and it's perfect the way it is. Of course there's some drama, I mean we ARE still talking about 16-18 year old girls here. But at least I know where I fit in and who my real friends are.

Last night I just had one of those experiences people never forget. In fact, when I see my friend Lucy at high school reunions and stuff, last night will probably be my first memory. It was just liberating, I suppose.

It started off with going to our friend Rachel's 18th birthday party. A lot of people were there, and I didn't want to spend the night cause I wanted to go to church in the morning, and I'm PMSy and don't like spending the night with terribly large groups of people. So at 11, Jacki, Lucy and I left. I was dropping Jacki off at another friends house and spending the night at Lucys. Well, I had the brilliant idea to call Andy while I was leaving cause I needed to ask him something. Lucy and Jacki were being EXTREMELY loud, and Rachel lives in the back roads. So of course, I got lost. I was very, very lost. I told Andy I'd call him back when we found where we were. Lucy told us stories about how these cops raped a car full of girls on the backroads one night. We were literally screaming our heads off. I was almost in tears.

Then all the sudden we're in this cute little town. It's not the right cute little town. It has cobblestone roads and it's just houses. We noticed that the woods near this town had a bunch of fog over and in it, and we were scared. THEN, we figured out where we were. Burketsville. As in, "The Blair Witch Project" Burketsville, Md.

We flipped. When I found the highway, I didn't know which way would get us back, but I went and went. We saw a sign for this creek, Catoctin creek..so we thought we'd ended up in a whole other town again completely. To make us less scared, I turned on a mix cd of really happy songs. The first one is "Tearin' Up My Heart" by NSYNC. Shortly after it started, I recognized a church. I screamed "YOU GUYS, IT'S HOLY FAMILY! WE'RE BACK!" We then immediatley started screaming, and I pulled over to the shoulder and we got out and started jumping around. Jacki kissed the ground.

One would think that'd be enough for one night. Oh no. It was now midniight and we went to Lucy's so Jacki could get her stuff, and then we went to Vanessa's to drop Jacki off. We ended up staying until 1 ish, and Lucy and I left. But going back to her house, we decided we didn't want to yet. When we'd dropped Jacki off, Lucy brought a baseball bat into my car. We thought it'd be fun to go get lost again, this time in my town. We ended up going to my house and trying to scare my sister and then Lucy's old house, where she told about horrible memories and we had a heart-to-heart and told our secrets. On the way back to Lucy's, we decided we STILL weren't done. I decided to go back to Rachels house. We got a flashlight and snuck around back and scared the CRAP out of the rest of the girls. It was AMAZING and exhilerating and so much fun. We left again and drove around for a little bit longer, freaking out every time we saw a cop (I can't drive past midnight and it was 2:30) and just..talking and singing.

Then we FINALLY got to her house and watched Garden State. The end.

Happy Anniversary

We've officially been married five months and a day.

=)

It's kind of frustrating when people completely ignore what Jesus said so that they can follow what they "feel" like believing.

Ie, "the thief on the cross went to hell."

Didn't Jesus say "I will see you this day in heaven"?

"But he didn't do any good works before he died."

What???

I love Jesus because he loves me even though I may not be "good" or "perfect."
He loves me, scars, flaws, and all.

I broke the layout.

Actually, I didn't host the images and they're now broken.

So if you guys want to change the layout, feel free. I just needed to put something up so picked this one.

Lift it up

So, I spent the weekend with my youth group at this camp thing about 45 minutes away. It was pretty cool, I guess. The middle school youth group was there, and I made an effort to get to know all of them at least a little. Wow, I had them all wrong. To me, the middle school boys were stupid and immature and never shut up. Sometimes, yeah that's true, but other times, they're so honest and so much more spiritual than they appear. And the middle school girls remind me so much of myself at that age, and they make me want to be a good role model.

I made some new friends, and I'm excited about that. I'm not sure how much the retreat helped my relationship with God, other than making me want to be a better role model. I guess I learned a lot of different things, but not one major theme. That's all right, I don't regret going by any means.

We played slaughter and I can't move today. If you don't know what slaughter is, then trust me that it's just as painful as it sounds. My youth pastor pulled a chunk of my hair off his shoulder. A girl dislocated her shoulder. My face got shoved into the mud, and a 250lb kid fell on top of me while my legs were already in a horribly uncomfortable position. It was great.

So my weekend was good, but then I got home. As soon as I walk inside, my sister is demanding me to take her and her friend to AC Moore. I'm tired, but I agree cause I like spending time with her. Well, I'm quite obviously not feeling well once we get to the store, and I'm extremely tired and sore. I get yelled at when I ask them to please choose something so we can go. When I make suggestions, I get an eye roll. Then they decide we have to go to another store. It's close, so I'm fine with it. They run off and again, take forever. Fine, whatever.

When I get home, I hang out with my mom and then go take a nap. When Alonna leaves, Steph gets on the computer and all. After I wake up, I go watch half of RENT with my parents. I asked Steph to watch it with us, but she yelled at me. Afterward, I ask to get on the computer, and I get "UGH. I like, JUST started talking to someone I havent talked to in like a WEEK." Ok, she had solitare up. That's all. I'm fine if she doesn't want to let me on the computer, but I've been trying so hard to be nice to her all day.. I drive 45 minutes for her and her stupid friend, and I've been missing her all weekend, but when I get home she just shuts me down.

And for the past hour I've been trying to give my anger and hurt to God. It's silly and it's stupid, but it's strong. I've been praying, and God is faithful, but I just need to talk about it to someone. I wish I could talk to her, but that'd just make me more angry, and I know God doesn't want that. So I'm trying to lift it and have Him take it. It's silly and stupid, but it's hard. I want to be mad, and I want to make her guilty for making me cry. But I'll try and listen to God.

Outsider

Like actors and actresses get typecasted, I feel like I've been typecasted in high school. Always the smart/weird one.

I don't like it. I've grown up a lot since people decided they would label me.

I'm smart, outgoing, and not afraid to speak my mind.

This year people are actually starting to get to know me, but personally I feel it's too late. I've never had anyone be mean to me, but I used to get a lot of weird looks.

I pretend not to care what people think of me, but for once I don't want to feel like an outsider.

Why does college have to be so hard?

I went through all the trouble of getting signatures, copies of orders, and other special papers stating that my husband is stationed here and I am eligible for in-state tuition. I just got my acceptance letter and it said I am *not* eligible for in-state tuition.

I'm calling tomorrow, but seriously, I was so mad that I wanted to cry.

So I drove John to work, and took the car, and got chocolate and red bull.

I feel a little better.

8:55 pm : Driving down 40 with Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock n Roll" turned all the way up and my windows down- no jacket, perfect temperature. Life is perfect.
9:05 pm: I discover Will was kicked off American Idol. I begin crying. My sister has a bad attitude with me..I get into a really bad mood.

Let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings.

Who I am is quite enough

Sometimes it only takes drinking a coke and watching MTV at the same time. Sometimes, like tonight, it takes eating half a box of girlscout cookies, and sometimes just from standing in front of the mirror. But no matter why or how it happens, I once in a while find myself tempted to go back. Why should I? I've made it so far. Granted, I've gained 15 pounds since, but the important thing is I am a healthy weight. It frightens me, how I can go from feeling great about myself to feeling terrible just by eating a donut or looking in a mirror or even watching The Fabulous Life of Paris Hilton. It's not right that I have to question my beauty when I know that I am of extreme value to God. My friend Jessi told me about this book called Captivating, and I think once I'm done with my current devotional I'll check it out. I've gotten so much better, but I'm not quite there yet. My friends are so beautiful. I hate to envy them, but I do. To me, I'm only beautiful from certain angles and in this type of lighting and in that pair of pants. That's not right. I know that I'm beautiful to God even when I'm in a sports bra and sweatpants eating girl scout cookies till I cry. But sometimes I feel like that's not enough. That is wrong.

I've come a long way, and God is faithful. I just don't understand why I'm not what I want to be, yet.

I'm sort of surprised there are people who still think wearing pants is some sort of mortal sin.

I don't wear them very often, but I live in Hawaii and it's hot. Skirts are the most comfortable thing to wear here (breezy and loose), so that's what I wear. But when it rains, I wear pants, and I don't think I'm going to hell for that.

I wonder if we actually will see a woman president in our lifetimes, or ever.

"I am pressed but not crushed.
Persecuted not abandoned.
Struck down but not destroyed.
I am blessed beyond the curse.
For His promise will endure
That His joy's gonna be my strength"

Starting to come together

I feel like it's all falling into place finally...

but I still like the mysteries of every new day.