I need help

but I don't know where to start.

ETA: My mistakes don't define me. I may be back to day 1, but God has bigger things for me than this. I am not a failure, or a lost cause, or anywhere near what I used to be. I may have done the same thing, but this time I know God still loves me.

Life

Despite the fact I'm stressed out, I'm suprisingly happy. I'm dancing and singing to the music. I smile at flowers just blooming and little kids at the playground . I'm content with myself and overwhelmed at the beauty of the word created by our Lord.

Blessings&Curses

It's funny, cause at church I'll talk about how we need to love our enemies, how harmful gossip is and how people watch how Christians treat people.

Then at school, all I do is say mean things about a girl who used to be my friend. Before that, all I'd do is say mean things about a guy who used to be my friend. In fact, our little group had a whole night dedicated to talking about how horrible he is.

Oh, wait, that's not funny at all.

Blessings&Curses coming from the same mouth. Fresh and salt water. I praise the Lord with my mouth (at church) and then go to school and curse people who still have value to God with my friends.

So I'm posting this as a kind of reminder to myself. Katie is valuable to God. He loves her, he wants her to turn to him. He died for her, too. John is valuable to God. He loves him, he wants him to turn to him, and he died for him, too. I am valuable to God, even though I've been acting pretty lousy lately.

and probably the worst thing about it is, every time i make a comment about Katie or John, I KNOW I shouldn't. But when my friends are facing me, laughing, I'm a coward.

This will not do.

Does anyone care if I link back to this blog in my profile?

Apathetic, some?

I just feel like giving up would be a lot easier.

high

Sometimes it's all you can do to keep holding your head up.

You look beautiful beneath those lights.

To quote the wonderful Five Iron Frenzy

I believed in what I hoped for,
And I hoped for things unseen,
I had wings and dreams could soar,
I just don't feel like flying anymore.
When the stars threw down their spears,
Watered Heaven with their tears,
Before words were spoken, Before eternity.

Dear Father, I need you,
Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher,
Every new day again.

-Every New Day



Sometimes that song makes me cry and sometimes it leaves me with a little bit more hope.

The drama seriously never ends.

Backstabbing, twisted words, guilt trips, lies, pretending to like people [guilty], miscommunication, double standards, deceit

Junior year. I just want to be done with it. I want my friends back. I'd explain in greater detail, but there's just way too much going on. I don't understand what happened to all of us.. it was starting to be the perfect group of friends, inseperable, best years of our lives, blah blah blah, and then boom. drama. It's been going on for over a month now, and I just want to know the truth for once.

i feel like i could die (and that would be all right)

worst night ever.
i even had to call an ambulance, and then was up all night being sick.

I fight it every day.

Shame = pride = not talking to God

there were endless conversations

for real, i can't do this.