let's talk about spaceships.

or anything except you and me, ok.

So let's hear it for the drama summer.

This is very Jr. High-esque, but one of my "friends" has been acting ridiculous for quite a while, both with a certain guy that she broke up with (but they're still into each other) and with us, the rest of her supposed friends.

As an example, the most recent situation has been her not calling us when she went to see a movie..instead only inviting "the guys".

One of those guys being my friend Rachel's boyfriend.

Kinda weird to invite her boyfriend but not her.

Not to mention she's gotten pretty upset when we haven't called her when we do things..so we try to always call her and we expect the same courtesy in return.

So I called her, left her a message explaining that I was a little bit upset. She hasn't responded yet, and I don't think she will until I contact her and not her voicemail.

It's just strange to see a relationship fall apart over something so ridiculous.

"oh i can't talk to you
i can't be your friend anymore"

Come on now, what is this.

Maybe I don't exactly enjoy your company anymore, but let's keep it on friendlly terms ok?

Let's not regress to silly high school drama, we just graduated.

[and hey, i'm sorry i always post like right after someone else does. i don't even give you your time to shine. but i put comments back in, so yay.]

let's talk about it

I wish I could ignore this and make it disappear.

Boys are dumb

D: i'm like tryin anything to find some really awsome girl somewhere... i mean there was you but i moved to CO and then you went up and got hitched

Boys are dumb.

This guy had a full year to ask me out and he didn't.

Now he's upset that I'm married?

GAY.

life after high school

So I guess it's safe now that exams are over to say I'm a senior.

Wow. Even just last year it seemed so far off, almost unreachable.

I have to actually settle down and apply to colleges. I'm going to college this year with dual enrollment.

It's almost surreal.

When you're little, you always know what you want to be when you grow up. (even if it always is changing.)


I know I want to go to college- but I want to take a year off and do something different. I want to go somewhere or help people. The Peacecorps sounded good, but it's 27 months and I'd probably wait until I graduated college to do that.

Not to mention my parents would probably be very upset and dissappointed with me if I do not go to college right after high school.

Over the past year I've almost completely settled on being a history teacher in the future.

now I have no idea.

yeah, that reminds me.

hmhm...last night I had a strange dream as well, about someone I used to work with who I haven't seen in a long time. We almost had sex, actually we started to, when I realized it was past my curfew. My cellphone was off but I turned it on to find out that my mom had called a bazillion times and had the police out looking for me.

So I went home.

I remember the reason I was going to have sex with him was because I wanted him to date me. And I knew he would if I gave him what he wanted.

I have a hard time saying no.

trademark

Last night I dreamed that someone told me I'd gotten fat, so I stepped on the scale to find that I'd gained 80 lbs. When I tried to defend myself, people laughed and told me to go find the cookies.

I woke up crying.

I don't think I can ever shake this.

It's so frustrating to be feeling on top of the world only to crash and burn a few hours later.

But oh, those summer nights

In the times of deepest confusion and endless scenario-making, God really does come through. Even if it's in the simple form of a conversation with a friend, it's incredible.

Last night, this boy I know from youth group invited me to a Bible study at his church. As much as I'd like to say I thought "Bible study?! Heck yes I'm there!" that wasn't the only factor influencing my decision to go. Now, I didn't quite have a crush on him, I wasn't hoping for a relationship or any of that, but I knew those ideas were forming quickly in the back of my mind as we began to hang out more.

The Bible study was great. We had pizza and soda first, then the guys all played basketball while I watched (a certain boy hadn't told me to bring sneakers). After that, we had worship outside at about 7:45, right before the sky would turn yellow and the sun would set. We sang so many songs about joy, and I remembered that I am NOT bound by my sin. Afterward, we broke off into groups, basically adults, kids, and youth. The youth had a surprisingly theological discussion considering there were younger teens, and I didn't feel afraid to speak up.

After the Bible study ended and people began to leave, I told Joe that I should probably get going. I live about 40 minutes away from the church and it was already 9:20. He told me no, just let me practice a song with the guys real quick, stick around. So I did. I was standing in the hall reading, when he comes back out with an expression that's hard to read. It was a "Can we talk outside?"

So we sit down, and I'm freaking out, wondering if something was wrong, if I didn't do something right, whatever. And he tells me "I don't know where you are with anything, but I want to let you know that I'm not looking for a relationship and I just want to be friends."

Apparantly, Joe and I have been a bit flirtatious lately. I don't think it was overboard or anything, but I can see where people would say that. Now, this didn't sit well with Joe's ex girlfriend (of 3 times), who also happens to be my friend. At her birthday party, 2 days before, she pulled him aside and lectured him about leading people on, wouldn't listen to anything he said, etc. But in fairness, she wasn't the only one who said anything.

So that was definitely a relief, especially because of a lot of other stuff going on in my life right now. In fact, we started talking about all the other stuff going on, in both of our lives, and didn't STOP talking until 11:50. We talked about everything, basically, and as romantic as it could have been, I'm glad it wasn't. Like I said, there's too much going on.

God comes through. When you're confused and worried and don't know how you should feel, He's got your back. Last night was wonderful.

i'm so sick of goodbyes.

yeaaah..

i've noticed that a lot of life is saying goodbye to the people i love, the people i need, and i am getting really tired of it.

it's just to cross one more off the list.

i'm going to jam my fingers into my eyes so i won't cry. i am sick of caring so much, and feeling so deeply, when all it does is hurt.

i'm going to forget for now until i have the self-control to remember.

joke of a romantic

When we're done here, we're going to live in California for a year.

47 weeks, really.

After that it's probably back to Hawaii for us.

I don't know how I should feel about leaving for a year and then coming back, or going somewhere new. On some levels I'm not too thrilled because a year isn't much time to settle in anywhere, really. On other levels I've got a best friend who'll be traveling with me and a whole year of no deployments. Four years, now, really, of no deployments.

Just travel, and fun, and having kids and going new places. Four years of finishing school and expanding my business, meeting new people and tasting new foods.

Somehow I think this will fit me.

Perhaps just right.

Sick

I'm sick.
And I don't feel good.
And I know in five days I'll be fine but today I'm miserable.

all the lies that lead us there

What do you do when you have everything you've ever wanted, but you're still down?

cinnamon lips

I feel like I've lost the fight in keeping faith.

Faith[less]

I feel like I'm losing the fight in keeping faith.