(even if your hope has burned with time)

i feel like everything exploded everywhere.

tonight was something radical with every relationship possible

..it seemed.

i'm tired and..
lonely.

all the time.

also, we're selling my car. it's busted for the billionth time and i don't have money to keep fixing it. my dad can't even fix it.

so.
no more driving late at night down backroads listening to beautiful music.

i miss feeling.

First lasts

I'm starting to notice- and lament, the "lasts."

Last tech week
last fall play
last All-County audition
last crazy, all night cast party
last chance to party with those friends without being drunk

There are so many lasts to come.

but also, so many firsts

love will make you beautiful

If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world?

I don't know where, confused about how as well
just know that these things will never change for us at all

It's such a bittersweet irony when everything is perfect in such an unexpected, lackluster way. When you have everything you've ever wanted, and it didn't turn out right, but that's still okay.

Completey unrelated, but I found out that I have an anxiety disorder. Basically it's like OCD or kleptomania, except my compulsion is pulling out my hair. I didn't know it was a disorder till recently, though, I suppose it makes things in my life make more sense. Megs, remember how I said I couldn't stop picking at my split ends? yeah. Weird, huh?

Headlights On Dark Roads

I took off for awhile and just drove around on the country roads, listening to music and trying not to cry.

No one noticed I left.