second thoughts

I can't believe that at this time next year, I'll be in college in Indiana. I'll be leaving on August 17, probably, moving in on the 18th, and then my parents and sister will be gone by the 19th. I'll be in sleeping in an unfamiliar bed in an an unfamiliar town where I'll only see unfamiliar people. I won't be able to go home for a weekend -- or even some holidays, because I'll be 10 hours away and sans transportation. My best friends will be in New York, Pennsylvania and Maryland, and I won't get to see even my little sister for months at a time. I won't be able to visit Lucy when she gets sick or just walk into her house. I won't be able to talk to Andrew on the phone every night. I won't even be able to dance.

I've never been really scared of going to college until now. I'm terrified and sad.

loving through.

I feel like those that have passed on are so much closer to me than those on earth.
I feel comfort when I think of my grandparents, I feel comfort when I remember Father Gary's wise words (or not so wise jokes.) I feel comfort in the heavens.

When will I find comfort on earth?

Seamonster

"May your love reach to the sky
May your sun be always bright
May hope guide you
Your best dreams come true [...]
Didn't I say that
I'll be your Seamonster?"
-The Violet Burning

It's good to see everyone updating again.
It would make me feel strange to be the only one writing in here.

Apathy is a gift from God.
I wish I could care,
but it's too hard.


and, I don't like hope.
And I am learning to never believe
that something good will happen to me.


maybe I'll just continue to wander.

Growing up

I don't think being married will really make you grow up faster, but I know that it changes you, just as becoming a parent changes you again in ways you never felt possible.

A month ago I felt the same way I felt on my wedding day: young, carefree, happy, content.

But nothing can prepare you for how much you will worry about your child. I never understood why my mom used to come check on me in the middle of the night to see if I was still alive, or how people could spend hours just staring at their babies. There is something internally that just explodes, like, my life is no longer my own. My life is now to take care of his life, and it's scary, and weird, and there are so many things that I don't know yet.

I can't believe in evolution...

because someone this perfect couldn't have happened by chance.

this is leah, after months of no word, yes i'm still alive, but i've been doing some thinking...

about that post about hell.

i'm not sure how great this is to post on here?

but i've been wondering about christianity lately.

maybe just because it's easier to not have it in my life, and i know that if i do have god in my life, i want him to be something real and integrated and not something i pretend to experience in a church pew or during a worship song

and i'm having trouble accepting that there are so so many people that..go to hell?

i don't know, it's just hard for me to swallow right now in my life, maybe because i am constantly faced with such amazing people, maybe not amazing by christian standards, but i find them to be real and deep and...human.

like i am human.

and i am not any better.

so why should i live while they die?

i'm not so sure anymore.