old journal

I found an old journal that I kept mainly my freshman and sohpomore years of high school.

I read it. I laughed. I cried.

Things that I wrote are so cryptic to me now. I had no idea who I was writing certain entries about.

I found angry four page "letter" I wrote to a boy. It was from summer before sophomore year. It made me sick to my stomach remembering things like that.

Overall, I guess I can say that I've grown up a lot in the course of four years.

I pulled out a pen and wrote that I was a freshman in college, and that things have changed.

Maybe I'll pick it up again some day.

Smiles

When my son smiles at me, I feel like my heart is so full that it will burst.

I still think it's strange that I'm a mother. When I left the hospital, I couldn't believe they were letting me take this little person home that I had no idea how to care for. Now I feel strange when I don't see him all morning because I'm at work or school, and I can't remember exactly how life felt before he existed.

I've finally caught up

For the first time since I was 10, I have friends my own age, and it's very surreal.

On some levels, it's strange for me because we seem to have so little in common.

At the same time, it's Hawaii, so even my older friends who are in their late 20s still live at home with mom and dad.

It's difficult to find people to relate to who still live with their parents. There are some things you just can't understand until you have to deal with issues alone.

My grandma died when I was eight, and I think I was twelve when my grandpa died.

I had the weirdest dream last night about them.

I was at a restaurant, I don't remember who I was with, or where it was. All I know is that I saw my grandma and grandpa at a table, and I think they were with my cousins that I am really close to. I don't know why they were there, and why someone else in my family was with them. All I remember is that my grandma got up and went to the restroom, and I followed her in there. When she came out of the stall, I was crying and she didn't remember me. I told her it was me, and then she remembered. I told her that I wanted to hug her before she went away, and I did. That is all I can remember.

I told my mom about it, she has dreams about them and their house all the time, but I never really had.

I do remember though, right after she died, even though I was older and I understood things, I wrote notes and left them on my end table. One I remember said:

God,
if you really love me, you'll bring my grandma back to life.


I never lost my faith, despite the fact that I was lost and confused.