RIP Derek

A friend from high school died on Sunday in a car accident. He moved sometime during 10th grade and we lost contact, but he was a really good guy. It's so weird being so far away from everyone I know who ever knew him.

My friendship with Derek was very much a product of my friendship with someone named Nick. Megs, you actually met Nick briefly at the mall when you came and visited Maryland. Anyway, Nick and I haven't spoken in years either, but I really do feel like I need to talk to him now. It's just that I don't really know anyone else, or I'm not close with anyone else, who really has any memories with Derek. I found Nick's myspace and it seems he's still very much himself as I remember him. I love that. Mostly though, I'm sad about Derek.

I don't know what to think.

Leah, I'm the opposite - sometimes I go to church just in order to see a guy. And you know, I'm the same, too- I'll sit around waiting for a guy to be something he's not just because I want him to be.

Annnnd finally, as much as my last post was true in that it's the way I felt, I know that I plan to wait until I'm married - I'm just frustrated by it. But no, I'm not going to consciously decide that I won't wait, and actually the day after posting it, I decided I wouldn't fool around just for fun. There are a lot of reasons.

i'm only all i see sometimes

ridiculous to me how i can seem so focused, but one incident, one person, can change it all. now i don't even want to stay focused, i skipped church to be with him. and will he call me, like he looked me in the eyes and said he would? probably not.

how many times will it take before i learn?

The church?

So, after much deliberation on my part, I decided to take a break from my church. I'm sick of being around people who don't like me, don't want to talk to me, and are anything but "Christian" to me. For all their preaching, I really doubt I could get any of them to help me when I have problems or a "real" need. It's just so frustrating to constantly be surrounded with people who don't care what happens to you, and I don't think that's what Jesus is all about.

whore

So, I really don't want to wait to have sex. I've been hearing all about this purity business since I was like 12 - you know, "And the Bride Wore White" and "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and "Every Young Woman's Battle" and all of that stuff. Yeah, I know it all by heart. Save sex for marriage, it's a gift, it's God's design, you can't take it back, waiting makes it worth it.. etc.

But when I was 12 I didn't have any guys interested in me - I'd never kissed anyone, much less made out, and I'd certainly never given anyone a blow job. I'm 18 now and that's all different, and while I'm not proud of some of it (especially not that last part..after knowing the guy for a week..) it's still all really tempting.

A friend who likes me wants to fool around when I get home, no strings attached or whatever. I know if one of my roommates said they were considering doing it I'd definitely be trying to talk her out of it, but I'm strangely tempted to. Like, why not, you know, if we're not going to have sex?

and then there are the Christian answers - "because just 'not having sex' isn't purity either; purity is abstaining from anything that makes you lust!" "because you have to set an example!" Yeah, okay, I know. But right now, I really don't care.

I've been talking a lot lately with one of my roommates. She's slept with 2 guys and done sexual stuff with many others. She's in a serious, Christian relationship right now and they do everything but. She understands where I'm coming from with all of this, but at least she has an outlet. I don't. And so I flirt with every guy I see. I do NOT want to be in a relationship right now; it would just be bad timing and I couldn't handle it. Buuuuuuut I'm getting really sick of this whole purity thing. If I can't have sex, I at least want to fool around or whatever. And for the first time, I want to do it and I know that I could.