Summertime

Hot cocoa + rainy afternoon = wonderful.

OCG

I hadn't thought much about this blog until tonight when I was sitting around and thinking about OCG and how close we all were back then. We all knew who we were and what we wanted (and didn't want). We all had our weird little issues but we stuck together like glue and encouraged one another. I'm pretty sure we didn't go more than a day or two without talking to each other. The OCGs were the first ones to know I got my first kiss, were the first ones to let me cry on their shoulders when I had my first breakup.

It's funny how much things change in a matter of years.

I miss home.

I miss being sixteen and being so sure of the world and so curious at the time time. I miss having so much hope and knowing everything was at my fingertips and everything was as it should be.

In stories, we learn how the hero leaves home, and longs for home, but when he returns, everything is different.

I know going home is not the answer because things have changed in the 3 years since I left.

But I miss the home I knew at 16, and 17, and the lustful passion that burned in my heart for everything around me.

I miss feeling so incredibly alive that I could die at any moment.

leavin' on a jet plane

So, I leave for Russia in ten days.
The first time I've ever left North America.
Eight weeks away from home in a foreign land.
The longest I've stayed away from home while at school is four or five.

Can I do this?

there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in

sometimes i get to thinking about heaven, like we're told to do by pastors or certain citations of the bible, but instead of reveling in what waits for me there i drag my thoughts around the idea that half the people i care for won't end up there with me. i listen to the music of elliott smith and identify with so many brilliant lines but in the end, he killed himself, and probably didn't make it to heaven.

i don't know, i just don't know how i feel sometimes about beliefs that overwhelm me with the condemnation of people i love. and then the burden on top of that, that their souls are somehow my responsibility.