you're just a line in a song

I'm really frustrated by something that's happened this week, but I can't even write about it in case certain people read this blog.

All I can say is that I don't understand how some people are so self-centered and constantly need to seek out drama for their lives. Isn't real life stressful and dramatic enough without adding to the craziness? I understand that stuff happens, and sometimes stuff is bad, but other people have bad stuff going on in their lives too, and it's a little selfish to think you're the only person on the planet in pain.

A girl I watch in our church nursery isn't even 2 yet, but she has an unknown lung disease that is killing her slowly. The doctors don't know what the disease is, so they can't treat her.

A few months ago, someone took a baby and threw it off an overpass into oncoming traffic. It took me four hours to drive the 24 miles home from school, but it means nothing in comparison to the life that was lost.

I just don't understand how its so easy for some to overlook the good in life and just focus on all the crappy stuff going on in their own lives. I mean, I have bad stuff happening in my life, too, but I don't feel the need to tell the entire world about it in order to gain sympathy. I have a ton of health problems right now and I'm always at the doctor's office. My husband might drop out of college because he works nights and the drive is just too far. My son has weird bruising issues and we recently had to undergo a bunch of tests to make sure he wasn't diseased. Life is constantly throwing rocks at us. And yeah, I know it sucks. I know things are difficult. I'm not negating that or invalidating suffering at all.

It's just this one person that I wish would realize...they aren't the center of the universe.

But if I were to say that I'd be a total bitch.

So I can't say it.

I just have to keep my mouth shut and smile, and pray for the patience to deal with this tomorrow.

1 month left in Russia.

http://megseestheworld.blogspot.com/

if you wanna know what is goin' on in Russia

remember back in the day when we wrote about boiz?

ok that's good because i can't sleep otherwise.

boy i've known for years but never got along with well has returned to my life after 2 years of separation following high school graduation. now he's nice and we..get along well. so much so that's he's shown some romantic interest in me that i was trying hard not to read into in fear of it not really being there, or him changing his mind as a lot of guys like to do.

being the valiant guy he is he decides to confront me about it on aim in a joking manner, something like "hahaha i think you wanted me to put my arm around you the other night lawl" and eventually this evolves into us talking about the concept of 'us' and why i can't trust him yet and how he wants me to come over but maybe we should just be 'cool friends' because he doesn't want to do something stupid to make me hate him after we're finally on good terms.

i don't know. where are all the cute christian boys. where are all the boys that live where i go to school. why do they only pop up when i come home. hello, i've lived here 9 years and nothing. i come home for 3 months and now? nice timing.

i dig being single but i'm getting lonelier as the summer progresses. not even lonely for someone, but lonely for things to do or fellowship or old friends or home as i knew it. lonely for the times when i could listen to those cds the whole way through instead of pressing skip during the parts that cause good but painful feelings to resurface.

I used to believe in so much good. I believed that nobody ever truly wanted to hurt another person, and that politicians had the interests of the people at heart. I believed that hunger and poverty existed on a different plane - certainly not in the same world as I. I believed that all parents loved their children, and that a man's dignity was untouchable.

Tonight, as I fed my grandfather, I had to remind him how to swallow. I listened to him whisper "I'm dying." He couldn't see me crying, so I just made myself sound cheerful when I said "no you're not, grandpa". He can't remember my name or who I am, but he was able to say "I've lost my identity. Carolyn, I've lost my identity." Carolyn is my grandmother.

Furthermore, my dad is probably going to lose his job. He's always taught me that if you work hard enough, you'll succeed. Bullshit. I am so angry that this is happening, but mostly at me. He works himself into the ground trying to provide for my sister and me. And I am so fucking selfish. I'm so sorry, dad.

Tonight, I feel like my world is crumbling - and I remember that the world has been fallen for a very, very long time.

I've never been to heaven, but I miss it. I am homesick for peace and providence. I am homesick for a place where my grandfather is strong again - where he lives and serves God and is without fault. I long for a place where my father serves no one but the Lord. I am so tired of mortality - of human empires and sickness and of bowing down to money.

Your Kingdom come.