I used to believe in so much good. I believed that nobody ever truly wanted to hurt another person, and that politicians had the interests of the people at heart. I believed that hunger and poverty existed on a different plane - certainly not in the same world as I. I believed that all parents loved their children, and that a man's dignity was untouchable.

Tonight, as I fed my grandfather, I had to remind him how to swallow. I listened to him whisper "I'm dying." He couldn't see me crying, so I just made myself sound cheerful when I said "no you're not, grandpa". He can't remember my name or who I am, but he was able to say "I've lost my identity. Carolyn, I've lost my identity." Carolyn is my grandmother.

Furthermore, my dad is probably going to lose his job. He's always taught me that if you work hard enough, you'll succeed. Bullshit. I am so angry that this is happening, but mostly at me. He works himself into the ground trying to provide for my sister and me. And I am so fucking selfish. I'm so sorry, dad.

Tonight, I feel like my world is crumbling - and I remember that the world has been fallen for a very, very long time.

I've never been to heaven, but I miss it. I am homesick for peace and providence. I am homesick for a place where my grandfather is strong again - where he lives and serves God and is without fault. I long for a place where my father serves no one but the Lord. I am so tired of mortality - of human empires and sickness and of bowing down to money.

Your Kingdom come.