if there was no way into god...

...i would never have laid in this grave of a body for so long.


i know how this sounds.

but i think my atheist boyfriend may actually be having a positive impact on my relationship with God.

it is forcing me to examine what i believe and why, something i have been putting off for who knows how long. i have been so weak for such a long time, all the while knowing that i still believe, but not taking it any further than that.

now i am examining it, questioning it, figuring it out.

feels good.

I don't feel like I'm falling down -- just say hello to the ground

I've wanted to post on splendid for the longest time, but I'd forgotten my account information. But now I remembered :)

This year I have a close group of friends, some who are on my hall and some who aren't. Mostly, it's girls from my hall and guys from our "brother hall." It's amazing -- we encourage each other, worship together, play together, serve together . . . and I've never known anything like it. I guess I sort of grew up in the church, but I've never been immersed in Christian community before. I don't want to exist in a Christian bubble, of course, but I've found that I can't be a Christian by myself. Up until last year, I think I thought I could.

These people are some of the best friends I've ever had. Yesterday I drove 2 hours to go visit two of these friends, a brother and sister. I have a really deep admiration and respect for this guy, and he's an incredible person. Sometimes when I'm with him and we're laughing and joking, or even sometimes when we're talking about God or Les Miserables (like yesterday, for example) I'll think "Yeah, this is good and right and natural. This is what I want in my life. This has to be it." But I don't get butterflies, and I'm not giddy when I'm around him. I don't feel romantic feelings about him, I guess, but I really deeply appreciate who he is, and I have a feeling that we would be really good for me.

Ha, what does that even mean? I respect and admire this guy. He's one of my best friends. It would be a bad idea to pursue anything right now, and I don't want to pursue anything. I think that means I wait. On one hand, I don't know if I'm ready to make myself vulnerable enough to wait for him for anything. On the other hand, while I don't really have feelings, I can't shake the idea that he could be a really good thing in my life.

So far, I'm waiting without resolve - I think I will be for a long time, and I'm not upset about that. I'm not discontent; I just really don't know what's going to happen

i say the same thing every year

my body makes me want to cry.

i dont want to feel like this forever

blow jobs & breast cancer

lol i dont know. is this acceptable content for here? i think it's a good thing to be aware of. ;)


yet at the same time, i wonder about the implications, you know? how many girls will feel the need to mess around more? how many guys will use this as a possible argument for pressuring a girl into doing what they want?

here's a heavy one for you.

any feedback to this would be appreciated.

i have been wavering between a relatively solid faith and a completely incredulous attitude towards it all for some time now. years even. it's getting worse all the time. and especially now that i have a boyfriend who is a catholic-turned-atheist i have been thinking about it a lot. and i think part of the reason is because, how do i explain what i believe to someone who does not believe? and not how do i give prescripted answers. i mean how do i really show them? i dont even know where to start.

but i am not about to date someone who is a christian when i don't even know how i feel about certain things. i don't want to be influenced by someone, i want this to be my decision.

but there are so many things that i cannot reconcile.

first, i have a hard time with "the meaning of life". that sounds so corny i have trouble even typing it but it's true. when i think of life without God i see no meaning, and i see my 80-some years on this earth as so small in comparison to infinite time.

but when i think of life with God i can't find meaning either. i remember from the catechism, our purpose in life is "to glorify God and enjoy him forever."

i can't explain that to anyone. i can't even explain it to myself. honestly that does not make me feel like my life has any more meaning than an atheist.

in fact, what makes me feel that my life is not completely hopeless and destitute is that i believe in an afterlife. but this produces more complications.

i know i have posted about this before but i have so much trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that God would chose me to go to heaven and chose someone that i love to go to hell.

and then that it is somehow my responsibility to "show them the light"?

i know that people will argue that i have no reason to dismiss other gods, that i have no proof that my God exists. and i know that i can respond that they have no proof that God does not exist.

but right now that's about all i've got.

and as much as i question what i believe and why, what it comes down to is that i am terrified of caring for someone that i could lose to death and to no hope for what comes after.

learning to love myself first

I'm loud, klutzy, partially deaf, have a penchant for eating artichokes, and like to sing loudly and off key.

and if I can't find anybody to love me for the way I am, then they can suck it

xistential in time for xmas

i'm all existential lately.

i wake up each day hoping to feel different, like this is just a phase, but i don't think it is.

I agree...

Leah, I have to say I agree with what you wrote in November:


i am really getting tired of boys only being good friends or talking to me or caring when they think they have a chance with me. as if them being nice is some kind of effort they have to put in to receive the reward of mah sExi* bOdYyy~~ and college luv. as if over a year of friendship means nothing because i might be interested in someone else.