here's a heavy one for you.

any feedback to this would be appreciated.

i have been wavering between a relatively solid faith and a completely incredulous attitude towards it all for some time now. years even. it's getting worse all the time. and especially now that i have a boyfriend who is a catholic-turned-atheist i have been thinking about it a lot. and i think part of the reason is because, how do i explain what i believe to someone who does not believe? and not how do i give prescripted answers. i mean how do i really show them? i dont even know where to start.

but i am not about to date someone who is a christian when i don't even know how i feel about certain things. i don't want to be influenced by someone, i want this to be my decision.

but there are so many things that i cannot reconcile.

first, i have a hard time with "the meaning of life". that sounds so corny i have trouble even typing it but it's true. when i think of life without God i see no meaning, and i see my 80-some years on this earth as so small in comparison to infinite time.

but when i think of life with God i can't find meaning either. i remember from the catechism, our purpose in life is "to glorify God and enjoy him forever."

i can't explain that to anyone. i can't even explain it to myself. honestly that does not make me feel like my life has any more meaning than an atheist.

in fact, what makes me feel that my life is not completely hopeless and destitute is that i believe in an afterlife. but this produces more complications.

i know i have posted about this before but i have so much trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that God would chose me to go to heaven and chose someone that i love to go to hell.

and then that it is somehow my responsibility to "show them the light"?

i know that people will argue that i have no reason to dismiss other gods, that i have no proof that my God exists. and i know that i can respond that they have no proof that God does not exist.

but right now that's about all i've got.

and as much as i question what i believe and why, what it comes down to is that i am terrified of caring for someone that i could lose to death and to no hope for what comes after.