I don't feel like I'm falling down -- just say hello to the ground

I've wanted to post on splendid for the longest time, but I'd forgotten my account information. But now I remembered :)

This year I have a close group of friends, some who are on my hall and some who aren't. Mostly, it's girls from my hall and guys from our "brother hall." It's amazing -- we encourage each other, worship together, play together, serve together . . . and I've never known anything like it. I guess I sort of grew up in the church, but I've never been immersed in Christian community before. I don't want to exist in a Christian bubble, of course, but I've found that I can't be a Christian by myself. Up until last year, I think I thought I could.

These people are some of the best friends I've ever had. Yesterday I drove 2 hours to go visit two of these friends, a brother and sister. I have a really deep admiration and respect for this guy, and he's an incredible person. Sometimes when I'm with him and we're laughing and joking, or even sometimes when we're talking about God or Les Miserables (like yesterday, for example) I'll think "Yeah, this is good and right and natural. This is what I want in my life. This has to be it." But I don't get butterflies, and I'm not giddy when I'm around him. I don't feel romantic feelings about him, I guess, but I really deeply appreciate who he is, and I have a feeling that we would be really good for me.

Ha, what does that even mean? I respect and admire this guy. He's one of my best friends. It would be a bad idea to pursue anything right now, and I don't want to pursue anything. I think that means I wait. On one hand, I don't know if I'm ready to make myself vulnerable enough to wait for him for anything. On the other hand, while I don't really have feelings, I can't shake the idea that he could be a really good thing in my life.

So far, I'm waiting without resolve - I think I will be for a long time, and I'm not upset about that. I'm not discontent; I just really don't know what's going to happen